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| Originally posted on June 24, 2009
Many years ago while I was attending a bbq celebrating the start of KDRT 101.4, Davis' low power public access radiob station, I had a conversation with an older gentleman that remains with me today.
I am not sure why we started discussing family but somewhere along the way he mentioned that it had been 20 years since he last saw his brother. The 20 years passed very quickly for him because time seems to pass more quickly as we age.
At the time I was amazed that he let 20 years slip between visits to his brother. I can't imagine not seeing my relatives for 20 years.
Fast forward five years and I am not as shocked anymore by that comment. Sometimes several months will pass between my visits to my hometown of Pleasant Hill and it is not that far from CV. A mere 20 minutes by car or 40 - 60 minutes by public transportation and I am once again in the city and house where I lived for the first 18 years of my life.
I feel that urgency now especially when I look back at this past year. The organization I work for runs on a June - July fiscal year and we are quickly approaching the end of the fiscal year, one that started out so promising last year and ends on a more uncertain but still promising note.
My personality is such that I am more prone than others to stupid over-sentimentalizing and dwelling on the past. I shall follow my previous track record and ramble for a while. It is cathartic, especially late at night while I am waiting for my hair to dry, listening to good music and feeling a slightly cool breeze through my open window.
On nights like these I wish I could bike into the middle of nowhere, lay down a blanket and stare up at the sky for a few hours. One night many years ago when I still living in Davis I biked down Covell Boulevard toward Woodland. The further I got from the edges of North Davis, more fields I passed, fewer cars I saw and the quieter it became. Eventually it just me, a few passing cars and the fields. Lane markings almost disappeared and though I wanted to continue, I feared that I would get hit by a car.
I reluctantly turned back toward my apartment in North Davis. It was a gorgeous night and summer nights remind me of those evenings in Davis and sometimes Boston. I long for an old, creaky, paint flecked porch to sit on for a few hours staring into the dark. I wish I could explain it better than this - the absolute calm and peace I feel in these moments.
Normally I am pretty manic, or rather, a loose ball of energy and nerves. Colleagues, relatives and friends will attest to my seeming inability to sit still during these moments of weirdness. On summer and fall nights, there is no where else for me to turn. I just want to close my eyes and let the music consume me. My pulse slows down and I can just exist without a constant stream of noise pounding inside my skull. Me, the music and this rambling entry.
My song of choice right now is Joshua Radin's "What If You". Sentimental, sappy and perfect for this moment. I am more tired than I have been in ages and yet I won't be able to sleep until I finish releasing these stupid thoughts.
Back to the original point....
The first week of July will mark my three year anniversary with OACC. I love anniversaries. I celebrate more milestones than most people could ever guess. Milestones remind of me of how far I have come and how far I have yet to go in my life, if I am so lucky to live long enough to reach those other milestones.
This current fiscal year started a bit rocky for me. I had jury duty at the Alameda County superior court house. It was an interesting experience that made me appreciate our judicial system. That week I also ran into a former friend who had also been summoned. It was an unnerving encounter that left me shaken for hours after. I hadn't seen him in almost a year and I didn't expect to see him again. I am glad I found the courage to say acknowledge his existence and do the small talk dance. Sometimes I still miss our movie nights at his apartment but it ran its course and I am glad it is over.
July 4th was spent watching multiple firework displays from my ex-boyfriend's apartment. It was a quiet evening - quieter than years past and I almost regretted not being in the city and watching Tainted Love perform at Pier 39.
The rest of July was quick and before I knew it August had started. Once again I found myself starting over. That first week was crazy and I only survived it because of the support of my coworkers, family and music.
This year has been blur. That first week was insane and then I found my rhythm, somewhat. I attended my first meetup.com event and met a bunch of cool people.
Seattle was definitely one of the highlights. That week spent away from California and my comfort zone were key. In the weeks leading up to the trip I found myself constantly staring at the sky through the windows of the train, nearly frantic with eagerness each time I saw a plane in the distance.
I had a blast in Seattle hanging out with J and L, walking down 1st avenue more times than I can count and exploring downtown on my own terms. each night i returned to a relatively clean hotel room, decent sheets and the sounds of passing cars and partying hotel guests.
Now that our fiscal year is almost over and August is nearly upon us, I can't believe it has been almost a year since the week that forced me to re-evaluate many things. One year later and I don't know that I have changed that much or improved much as a person. My restlessness and the constant stream of doubts, uncertainty and fears about my seeming lack of progress still bounce around when I am bored.
No matter what happens, I have my music, my family, friends and my dreams. Though I consider myself a realist and sometimes cynic, at my core I am a dreamer. My dreams may not be exciting or interesting to other people but they keep me focused. And my fears and uncertainties, though somewhat unhealthy, keep me grounded and striving for more. I know I will never achieve perfection or anything close to it but as long as I don't lose that hunger for more, I know I am alive.
And lastly, I need to remember to celebrate my achievements, even if they are as minor as creating a decent and user friendly spreadsheet. Achievements that may not mean much to others but could mean the difference between getting a good night's rest and tossing and turning in my bed for hours wondering why the hell I can't create something great and perfect.
Now I can breathe, eat dinner and try to rest before the busy day ahead.
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| As I lay in bed tonight attempting to read some of the applications for my panel, I had a freak out moment where I thought I didn't include enough information in budget notes we submitted under a different funding category to the same office.
I frantically hopped onto my computer, waited anxiously as it took 10 minutes to boot up and nearly rubbed away parts of my carpet as I paced back and forth waiting for the application document to open.
When I didn't see the words Explain city funds I sighed in relief. Now, I face the daunting task of tackling chinese in less than 6 hours on what will probably be 4 hours of sleep if I am lucky.
Still, I need to prepare my boss to answer questions about our project budget if the panelists inquire.
It feels surreal to be partially on the other side for once.
Now I more fully understand how little formatting issues such as inconsistent font sizes throughout a document can distract from the story being told.
Really, especially in the arts, grant applications are stories. I have only really learned that lesson over the past year. This message will hit home even more as I continue reading applications over the next week.
It is an interesting process, as I suspected and though I am still quite intimidated and feel worthless compared to these artists, I cannot let my insecurities and uncertainties prevent me from trusting my judgments about these documents and ultimately, the people and communities that can benefit from the proposed work.
I am tired and extremely relieved that my fears were somewhat unfounded. I guess I will figure that out in a few weeks when our application goes before the panel.
Eh... | | |
| Today is my 7 year xanga - versary.
I just remembered it. I came in just under the deadline.
I can't believe I was a freshman in college seven years ago. It feels more like 20 years have passed.
So much has changed. A lot is still the same. I am just older, less healthy and probably more stressed out.
My sense of purpose and direction hasn't clarified really. I still feel like I am flailing about.
I want to travel somewhere else. I know that isn't the answer but sometimes it feels like a good option.
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| Seattle was everything I expected and much more.
I loved it. I loved absolutely every minute of my trip.
James and his gf were awesome and took me out four nights of the six nights was I there and I saw parts of Seattle I would not have otherwise seen.
I spent more time with James last week than I have in the seven or eight years that I have known him. It was incredible.
The trees, Puget Sound, water...the people, the energy. I want to live that way everyday of my life.
Each night I returned to a somewhat clean hotel room that was my temporary haven from everything.
This trip was almost better than Hawaii. I feel like I did more, saw more and relaxed more.
I wish I could create a space inside myself where I can go when I feel overwhelmed and stressed. It can be my mental haven of sorts. It might take too much energy to do that. I want to. I want to feel like that way at least once a week.
And one week from now I am seeing Jason Mraz at the Greek Theater in Berkeley.
Work stuff is stressful but I think I can change that. It is all about attitude afterall.
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| It is on!
Seattle here I come!
October 13 - October 19
One whole week.
YES! | | |
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